


Elaine Wants A Rematch(Part 1)

by chicating



Category: Seinfeld
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:37:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1636838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicating/pseuds/chicating
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would writing about Masturbation be without classics like "The Contest"? Pretend there was a "lost" episode somewhere in the vault in the next season or so. This is dedicated to all of us out there who need a "win" badly enough that we almost don't care where we get it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Foreplay

"What do you mean, you don't want to do it?" Elaine asked, outrage almost costing her some fries. "C'mon, guys, I really need this."

"Well, if you really need it," Jerry said, and made a face.

"I've got nothing to prove," George said, leaning back in his booth smugly.

"For once. Everybody knew the Yankees would start kicking butt again eventually, but Costanza over there is acting like he made the bats out of toothpicks. Can I help it if I work in publishing? In ten years, a monkey in a headset will probably have my job."

Kramer paused in demolishing his burger to say "Bluetooth, baby!"

Elaine gestured as if to say "see," and got even more morose. "And, you know, I won't have John-John to..."  
"Kick around?" George offered.

 

"Yeah, okay, whatever. He really was beautiful, wasn't he? And his magazine was really good, right?"

"To tell you the truth, Elaine, I almost broke gender precedent when thinking of him several times."

"Well, now, that's enough of this." Jerry said. "Lainey, I feel for you in your time of imaginary loss, and if you need money sometime, I'm sure we can work something out."  
"It wasn't imaginary. Just sort of...hypothetical."

 

"You never offered to work things out with me," Kramer complained.

"That's a little hard with your head in my fridge, and your hand in my closet."

Kramer shrugged. "Possibly."

"Jerry, it's not the money so much, although that would be great.It's the win I want. I need to be Queen of The Castle."

"You know, Jerry" George suggested. "I know you are the acknowledged leader of this group, and I would never challenge that, but studies have shown that even a small increase in confidence leads to better performance on cognitive tests."

"Great, George, you read one book in ten years and now I have to listen to you talk about studies."

"I'm pretending to do graduate work in architecture now...try to keep up."

"Oh, I think there was more than one." Elaine was suddenly so filled with mirth her eyes were dancing. Jerry made a note to check her for vibrating devices.

"This has got to be good. Benes, spill! As the leader of this group, I command it."

"George read the _Madrugada_ series."


	2. Carbo Loading?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elaine works on a strategy to "dethrone" George.

"Isn't that that corny series with the moody Spanish vampire and the werewolf woman who loves him? At the risk of immaturity, I say 'euww' and I stand by that." Jerry said.

"Don't worry," Elaine said. "I think the maturity ship has sailed and you forgot to buy a ticket."

"Is that how you help someone on your team, Elaine? Mocking me? Although I do admit that Wilmer Valderrama isn't quite who I pictured as Lord Diego."

"Moving on," Jerry said. "Elaine, I understand, but if my stint as a comedy writer has taught me anything, it is that you can go back to even a productive well too many times."

"Jerry, you wrote one show. One. And It had a butler in it. You can kiss my productive well."

"I agree with Elaine. With the caveat that that was some damn fine butler-themed comedy."

"I still think it's played out, but what the hell."

"You haven't asked for my opinion yet." Kramer said, after ordering pie.

"Somehow I'm sure you can fit us into your busy schedule."

"Sure. With a little shuffling."

"I'm ready to defend my championship, Jerry."

"Yeah, sure, it'll be the Thrilla at Manila, but with hand lotion."

"Beneath every bit of sarcasm, there is at least a kernel of truth."

"George, it's a contest about not rubbing yourself like a bonobo. I don't think you need to write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech just yet."

"I like your passion, George. But you're still going down."

"That's what she said." Kramer said.

The team agreed that they would come back to Monk's at five the next day to compare notes.Elaine knew she'd have to act fast. "Come back to my place after. I'll make spaghetti."

"You're cooking?" Jerry asked. "I'm definitely going to be there for that."

"I cook. But I don't see the point if we see each other every day, but you did me a favor and I want to reciprocate."

"Okay?"  
Elaine was very busy, finding videos of tennis star Anna Kournikova, racecar driver Danica Patrick and other wankable celebrities and semi-celebrities. She scattered them around, turned the lights on a dimmer, and lit some candles. She figured George might be out of the running as soon as he took his coat off. Just to be safe, she made sure she had extra wine.


	3. Desperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang does things they don't want to do.

Elaine went around her apartment, lighting candles and paying special attention to the poster of the sexy Russian tennis player. "Hey," Jerry said."Elaine sure went all out, didn't she?"

"Are you blind, man?" George said."That's not effort. It's entrapment."

"I think you're being ridiculous, George. This contest isn't that important."

"Not that important? Every contest is important. I once took the Pepsi Challenge under a fake name."

"Look, George, I'm sorry about your whole life, but I'm telling you, you're out of your mind."

"I suppose she just leaves the Victoria's Secret catalog just lying around...and all those Natalie Portman videos."

"Maybe she wanted something pretty and she really likes the Star Wars prequels." Kramer offered.

"Nobody really likes the Star Wars prequels. George, I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

"It's okay. I lie a lot."

"Like a rug, buddy." Kramer said.

"We can leave, but I was sort of counting on this party to keep us masters of our domain. What's something completely unsexy we can do?"

"Suze Orman's on."

"OK. that should help."

"Why do people even ask her opinion? Does she ever say 'Sure, buy the boat'

"No. She's everyone's angry mommy." Kramer said.

* **  
"I wouldn't ask you, but I'm clearly desperate."

"You'd be surprised how often I hear that from women," Newman said, trying(and failing )to be suave.

"Of course. So, will you help me figure out how to beat Jerry and George? Kramer dropped his money by this morning."

"relax, my pet,why don't we chat a bit first? Or if you prefer, it's Bonobo Night on Animal Planet..."

"No, don't tell me. I'm TIVOing it."

"I have National Geographics...maybe I could provide some interesting commentary."  
" Somehow, I don't doubt it."


End file.
